Finality

I've realized that I can't do any more work for tonight so I'm calling it quits. There is absolutely no reason for me to force myself to study when my brain can't function (what's new).

It's over, it's done. I do have my regrets, but none too grave. As what people say, "Never regret anything, because at that time it was exactly what you wanted". Or something along those lines. Of course it's hard. We were together for a very long time. I shared every tear and laugh and ache with him in that time. He was my everything. Was. But do you know what's harder? When you go back to that kind of mess and it happens again. I don't deserve that, I don't need that.

Sometimes I think that my reasons for ending the relationship is a little shallow - but it's been piling on for a while, and what he did was the cherry on top (in a bad way). I'm young, it's not the end of the world. I'm glad I have very supportive friends who have held me together through this. And with every day that passed by without him - I realize that I am really better off. I laugh harder, I smile more often. I have time for myself, for my friends, for things that actually matter. No more sitting in front of my laptop waiting for him to video call with me while he spends every living minute of his life playing with his online buddies. I then realize all the bull I put up with him, the patience, every moment I grit my teeth when he did something that irked me, and the times I could not lash out. Don't get me wrong, he is a great person. But he has a lot of growing up to do. A lot. I hope he realizes this before his next relationship crumbles the same way as ours did. He has to accept that just because his girlfriend is lenient, doesn't mean he can do things and think she'll just forgive and be all hearts and flowers after. He also has to let go of his past or distance himself from it, and think of appropriate behavior when it comes to his ex-girlfriends. I could go on and on, but he just needs to learn many things about relationships. I get it that you've mostly had flings , but I think it's common sense on what you should do when you're in a "serious" relationship. I have never been in a serious relationship (or any relationship worth mentioning) but I know I treated you right. I may not have given you material things as much as have given me, but I gave you my love and every ounce of it. You know that. I thought about how you would think of my actions before I did anything, because I loved you. You didn't. That's when I knew it was over. Of course I thought how great it would be if you were here, or if I was with someone who was here, but I never did anything that I knew would upset you. I went to parties and was hit on, and I just smiled and carried casual conversations. But you? Remember when you got asked out by a girl and you told her, "I'll think about it"? Oh yeah, do you also remember we were together at that time? How about when you came up to her and told her, "I can't go on a date with you, I kinda have a girlfriend"? Kinda? Wow. What if I did that? Of course shit would rain down on me, and every time we'd fight, that would always come up, eh?

I really don't want to be snarky and bitchy about this. I really don't. But I ask for forgiveness since I can actually tell the world how I really feel.

Am I sad? Of course. You don't throw something like that to waste. But I would be a fool if I stayed. So I'm happy. Happier, even.